Do I Know?

I heard what you said. Now, like always, I'm going to over analyze everything. I thought you were talking about me. I should have known better. I wish I would have turned the other way, so I wouldn't have this eating away at me. What are you talking about? Should I know? Is it me? You've never talked to me about this. Why not? I guess I can't really be mad at you, I'm doing the same thing to you.

There are so many things I wish I would have said. I wasn't upset about you, it was all about my lack of control over my life. You make me feel like a complete idiot, and as embarrassing as that is I can't get enough of it. I was jealous, everyone would be, can you blame me? That doesn't mean I was going to make you stop, that's not who I am. You think I'm so clueless about what actually happened, I'm not. I know what you really did when I was gone, I just chose to be a bigger person than you and again let that blow past. I'm not going to live your life for you, you can make your own mistakes, just don't take me with you, I'm smarter than that. Is that why?

It wasn't all bad. Why can't I remember the good times? The bad times weren't bad until you made them that way. I think about everything we did and how little I knew. Why didn't you just tell me? I would have done something for you. I played the "what if" game. What if my mom gave me the same freedoms? I would have done so much differently. I convinced myself that I wasn't overstepping, now I know I was, and I'm sorry for that.

I'm sure you'll never see this, but I'm going to pretend you did and you understood it even though I know you'll have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't know maybe I'm underestimating you. I wouldn't take it back, but I'd love to try over. Just don't think I'm holding my breath, I know better than that.